this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
