We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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