Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
