I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
