I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i believe in u and ur pee
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize