70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
