the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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