hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
oh god the rape fog is back!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
