so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
