cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
