kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
