I can tuck mytits in my pants
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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