i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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