I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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