Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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