My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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