sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What drink are we having for lunch?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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