I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
