I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Randomize
