i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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