Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize