I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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