i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
