My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
