It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
