There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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