Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So squirting runs in the family.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
