PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
