What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
