Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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