I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
