No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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