Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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