I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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