I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
