on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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