Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize