He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i will never coherently bang her
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
