i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
