You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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