Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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