I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
