remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
