fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
