i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
