I skipped work to stalk him.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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