then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
