well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
