lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
