apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
50% drunk capacity currently
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize