1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
