We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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