He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
