After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
