i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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