Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
