You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
