How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize