Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
