i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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