This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
