so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
