Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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