Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
