Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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