There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
