I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he laminated a picture of his dick.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
