Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
